Death

This isn’t the first time that one of my friends have died, and every time something like this happens, I always end up thinking about the meaning of death and consequences of it. One thing I have always sort of struggled with is understanding that there is no right or wrong way to deal with death. I can never understand how sad I’m supposed to get. Like if I get really sad, I kind of don’t have the right to do that because it’s their death not mine, let’s say that I decide to be sad, I then get confused as to how sad I should be,  but being happy around it also feels kind of like disregarding their memory. I know that I am over thinking this, I don’t need to be told that I should feel whatever I feel; because honestly all I feel is confusion. Just confused as to how I feel. Another thing that always gets me is forgetting that the person has died, because for me it confirms theories that I had while being suicidal. I understood that people would be sad that I did something like that but eventually they would move on, because the world doesn’t really stop. I mean I understood that some people may not be able to move on and it would hurt them, but I have seen people in similar situations move on. That’s always what hits me about death, that everything moves on. It doesn’t stop and believing that it will is sort of deluded for me. I hate the thought of forgetting these people who have passed away because I’m too caught up in my own life, and I forget they ever existed. It makes me feel like I can’t tell someone who is in need of help that if they do that the world would die or it would stop without them because that’s not the case and that sucks a lot. Someone in that mental state already feels like they don’t make a difference in the world, and seeing death and realising that, that is the case is heartbreaking and very convoluted. Also, if you are reading this please do not worry about me, I am fine. It’s a strange experience kind of seeing your worst theory and mindset be true. I spent a very long time trying to say I was wrong, but it seems to be something that I have to accept and find a way to deal with without saying that nothing matters, because that is not what I want at all.  I mean I been thinking about my theory (I know I haven’t really explained it, but I don’t feel like explaining it), and I just hate the fact that its real, and in a way that I was right. Because even then I didn’t want to be right, and I certainly don’t want to be right now.  The last time a friend of my passed away, I went to see her in the hospital, but we were running late for some reason, I can’t even remember why anymore, and umm that was the first time I had seen a dead body. And one of my friends at that. It was surreal and kind of strange to see a blue and limp body of my friend who I had had dinner with not a couple months ago, where we were laughing and dancing. She had leukaemia and she had it at that time as well. But before seeing her in that hospital bed I never realised what it meant, or the fact that she wouldn’t graduate high school, or go to college or drink legally or I don’t know do anything in the future. It’s kind of wild looking back and seeing the fact that I am now older than her. But just that experience in the hospital was so jarring, with her mother holding her dead daughter’s body and her younger sister so distraught that all she could do was find ways to keep herself busy, from writing a message on the whiteboard to starting to do school work in the hospital. It was my first real experience with death, and I know I won’t ever forget it. I still sometimes see her sister at school and it’s nice to see her, but I can never talk to her. I mean didn’t even go to her funeral. One because we had another friend who was crying and shaking and couldn’t make it to her funeral, so I decided to stay home and comfort her but also because I have the same name as my friend. It was a bit much for her family to have me around because it would be difficult for my name not to come up. I see her family now and again at the market or something, and we will talk to them but once again, it kind of proves my mindset right where her family though they miss her, they moved on and they got on with their lives and they are making it better for themselves, and they all have a future in front of her.  I just have a very hard time dealing with that because it proves me right, I don’t want that. I don’t want to see death and see that it doesn’t make as big of a difference as we want to believe, but that its part of life and the movement of it. Yeah, I’m just trying to work through this and try find out what death means to me, and how I can change my mindset and not look and death and see what I see. Because I understand that it is not right to look at it that way. I don’t like the fact that I look at death and try calculate what it means to everyone, I don’t like the fact that I look at death coldly, I don’t have many feelings towards it and often have to force myself to feel it and understand it. Which I would like to believe is character building and self-improvement but I’m not really that sure. I’m going to go to this funeral, pay my respect and remember what an amazing person Cassandra was, because she really was full of energy and happiness. Hopefully as time goes on, I will be able to deal with this and be able to figure out what it mean it me. But I needed to rant this out, and I did.